Friday, September 09, 2016

greetings old friend

It's been too long, dear friends. I didn't think this space would still be here after all of these years. I haven't missed you but I need you right now. I think in some of past posts I think I whined about a girl I used to know. I regret that now. I'm not sure I ever really like here it kinda felt like I was under spell and then suddenly I wasn't.

There have been a few other girls since then. It's been fun but this last one really got me in my feelings again. We were never official or anything but god do I love her. They three years have been weird and painful where she is concerned. We met at my old job. We worked across from each other and we talked every day. Soon we began talking on Facebook and then we talked to each other on the phone ever day after work. We became really close. And then she met a guy. All she ever wanted to about was this guy. Eventually, they started dating. That's when hell began. On Facebook, she always posted pictures of them together. Every time I saw those pictures it was like daggers in my chest. I think I even cried a few times thinking about how hurt and mad that made me. A lot of other things with them happened. He moved to Flordia, she went to go visit him and found out he was cheating on her. She drove back home in tears and in fury. Some time passes, he moves back then they find themselves back together again. Through all of this, I'm still here talking to friends (fuck).

So after that a lot of life happens between the both of us. I'm don't feel like typing all of that out.  So about two years ago she's still with this guy and their relationship is really rocky. They fight all time and she says she's at her breaking point. Then, she calls me to tell me she's pregnant.  And finally my heart shatters. I've never felt that kind of pain before. All this time like a fool I hoped that maybe we could maybe some how be together. She said before se found out she was pregnant she planned to break up with him but in her mind, I guess that was now a no go.

That was when I kinda stopped talking to her altogether. I mean we spoke to each other a few times here and there. I went to her baby shower and had an awful time. A few months later she had the kid. I saw her once after that. And I think that was the last time I had spoken to her in a year. We might have texted each other here and there but no long conversations. About maybe five months ago she texted me that she was pregnant again. Why I don't know why. I called her. We talked for a minute or two, whatever. Then, about a month ago, she posted a comment on a friends post on Facebook and I decided I should just text a "hello" to her since i hadn't talked to her in months. She texted a hello back and went back forth for a few minutes. It was nice. The next day she texted me I should help her out with this website that gives you gift cards for do surveys and other tasks. I agreed to help her and from then on we texting each other again every day. Last Thursday night she was alone at home with her kid like she every night because her baby day works at night. She texts me there's a guy banging on her door and she scared. She called the cops they come through and the guy is long gone. After they leave she texts me she scared and that her baby's father won't be home till 4:30. I tell her to call me if she needs to to. I'll be up all night. She calls me and we talk for awhile. We talked about a few things . Some hoe we end up talking about our old jobs and all of the guys knew or almost dated. She mentions there was one guy who it looked like she was going to date but she ended up getting pregnant and the guy was like fuck her and never talked to her again. Of course she was talking about me but I didn't catch it at the time. But once I did I realized i'm an idiot and I wasted a lot of time thinking I could never have when she was probably waiting for me to make a move but at the time it honestly felt like I was annoying her. I don't know.

The next day she goes into labor and had her second child (a girl btw). I texted her a few times but she only answered once and that was to send me photos of the kid. I texted her after that but she never texted me back. i would like to talk her again but she's got two babies to worry about now. So i doubt she'll ever have time for my nonsense. I hope one day we can talk it out though.

So, all of this to say I love her I've always will and it's going to hurt for a while knowing i'll never be with her. What to do now is the question. I hope there's an answer coming soon.

Good bye for now dear friends. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. It's helped a lot.


Blogger NeverEnough said...

That's sad. Sorry :(

November 20, 2016 at 6:02 PM  

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